can't explain the state i'm living in
by Red Thread Studios
Summary: ANBU missions can be soul-cracking; Sakura struggles not to fall apart in the aftermath. "She grinds the blackness into her eyes until she sees stars." ::Sakura, Sasuke & Naruto; ANBU & angst::  Written for RTS, by misssilivren.


**can't explain the state i'm living in**

* * *

><p><em>misssilivren,<em>

_for RTS_

* * *

><p><em>i can't explain why it's a sin, the state i'm living in;<em>

_i just feel so tired._

_please don't even call -  
><em>

_i can't hear you at all..._

* * *

><p>Joining ANBU was, in hindsight, probably the shittiest decision Sakura had ever made in her life, and that was saying something.<p>

The bed was stone-hard and irritatingly cold underneath her; the weight of the arm thrown across her and pulling her close was simultaneously the only thing keeping her warm and the most uncomfortable thing she'd felt in a long while, and again, that was saying something. She lay, slightly curled up and rigid, eyes wide open and staring past Naruto to carefully and precisely count the exact number of cracks in the wall. The only reason why she didn't completely lose what was left of her sanity and hack off the limb entrapping her was her steely self-control, the same control that had kept her hands from trembling as she reached inside the chest now pressed against her back, pouring her chakra into knitting together muscle and welding ribs back into their smooth curved cage. But Sasuke's arm - it felt so much like -

She shuddered once and tried not to think. _Thirty-five, thirty-six, thirty-seven - wait no I counted that already shit shit shit why does this always happen why am I never -_

She pressed her eyes shut and carefully, carefully moved her hands up to press the heels of her palms against her eyelids, grinding the blackness into her eyes until she saw stars. When she pulled her hands away, her face felt raw and burned. A tremble cruelly wound its way up her aching spine to lodge in her chest. She bit her tongue hard and forced herself to lay still. _Go to sleep, Sakura, go to sleep go to sleep just sleep -_

She couldn't. Not like this. Not with Naruto, too hot next to her, and Sasuke desperately clinging to her like the child that he hadn't been for far too long. Sakura used every ounce of discipline she possessed to delicately slip out from Sasuke's hold and clamber over Naruto. Her arms trembled so much that for a brief second she thought that she would fall on top of him and wake him up, but she made it over without him so much as breathing different. The wooden floor beneath her had long since been stripped of its varnish by the harsh cleaning product she could still smell ingrained in the planks. She felt a brief moment of feminine revulsion as she considered how she smelled; like sweat and blood and the target's overpowering cologne. She heard movement behind her and turned to look at her team; Sasuke had shifted closer to Naruto in his sleep. She smiled a bit. Sasuke's bizarre clinginess when he was dreaming had surprised both her and Naruto; the first time the moron had woken up to find Sasuke uncomfortably close to him, when before he'd been on the other side of the bed as far away as possible, he had accused his teammate of trying to smother him in his sleep. They'd gotten used to it; now it was almost comforting. She still took it as a compliment that Sasuke wouldn't get as close to Naruto as he would to her; in fact, the most he was doing right now was brushing the tips of his fingers against the cloth of Naruto's shirt. She looked at them for a second - Sasuke facing Naruto's back, one hand slightly outstretched - and thought ridiculous thoughts about symbolism and understated affection and trust and loyalty and all the things that didn't exist in ANBU.

After a moment, standing in the quiet dark, with only the barely perceptible sounds of her teammates' breathing behind her, Sakura felt less like she was about to go batshit insane and kill someone and more like she might be able to sleep tonight. There was a breeze coming from somewhere, bringing the sweet, clean smell of the night with it; Naruto had cracked a window after Sasuke had fallen asleep, and surprisingly it helped Sakura to relax a bit - before the arm was flung over her, anyway. A few beams of moonlight trickled through the window and cast a slice of Naruto's face into black and white; he looked almost unrecognizable. Shapes were identifiable in the shadows; she identified them one by one; a doorway, a low table, a chair, a dresser, a screen. The curtains partly drawn over the window rippled in the wind; the darkness turned them from dirty cream to eggshell white. She could see the vague shape of a building behind them, and a tree even closer. Sweat cooled on her skin as she went by the window and stuck her head out, reaching like a child to grasp the ends of the leaves that hovered just outside of her reach. It was warm for a spring night, and she could see pale paper-like blossoms on the tree. She used to know what they were - she had had a tree just like that one outside her own window when she lived with her parents - peach, she finally realized, and felt suddenly, inexplicably relieved that she could remember. Peach. She wouldn't forget.

Sakura finally pulled away from the window, after long minutes of inhaling the smell of the night. She turned, and started a little at the sight of the luminescent eyes that met hers from the bed. It was strange to see that, such an animal quality in such a human pair of eyes, staring at her from the darkness. Naruto blinked and the eeriness was gone; he didn't say anything, but twitched his lips up into a small smile and moved aside a bit so there was more space between him and Sasuke. She walked back to the bed and climbed in between them; after a moment she felt Sasuke's hand rest lightly on her shoulder, and smiled. She closed her eyes, and was distantly aware of Naruto staying up the rest of the night, watching them silently.

* * *

><p><em>it's how i know i love you;<br>_

_it's how i know i trust you.  
><em>

_you're not sure if there's a right or wrong...  
><em>

_i just feel so tired._

_i go outside._

* * *

><p><em>AN:_ More Sakura-ANBU angst-stuff for RTS. On the plus side, in this one Team 7 is still actually alive! Always a good thing.

This fic was inspired by this picture: http: / browse . deviantart . com / ?qh=§ion=&q=team+7+sleeping# / d16g56c

Song lyrics and bastardized title taken from the song "My Heart Is An Apple" by the ever-amazing Arcade Fire.

This was beta'd by Yukihana Hisako. She makes my ridiculous non-linear thought-process better. Go worship her.

* * *

><p><strong><em>PSA:<em>** This fic was written for Red Thread Studios, a pretty new community developed on FF by myself and my friend, Yukihana Hisako. Red Thread Studios is a group which was created to gather authors and stories interested in writing about Team 7, make it easier to beta fics and form collabs, and have like-minded people for authors to interact with. If you're interested, please check out the rules on our page (just click the author link) or PM me if you have any questions. :D


End file.
